I love my mistress, but I can’t leave my wife - what should I do? Why a man doesn’t leave either his wife or his mistress: survey results I love my mistress but I can’t leave my children

What to do if you fall in love with your mistress and life without her seems insipid, empty, uninteresting? I live peacefully, calmly, and quite happily with my wife. The former passion turned into a habit, responsibilities, work. Gray days, months, years... I recently met a girl and started talking. She is like a fresh wind, independent and interesting. A romance began unnoticed. I realized that I love my mistress, but I can’t leave my wife, we’ve overcome a lot with her, we’ve become family, I’m afraid of hurting her. I live with my wife, but I’m drawn like a magnet to someone else. Confused.

A common situation in which difficult choices must be made. Love triangles are destructive for all parties and tend to become chronic. Making such an important decision requires cold-blooded calculation, no matter how cynical it may sound. Emotions, sentiments, guilt, etc. can only do harm and complicate a sober analysis of the situation. Please note that choice always involves abandoning one in favor of another. Calculate what “bonuses”, gains and losses you should expect from each option. Conduct a diagnosis of your own feelings, aspirations, and motives. What keeps you close to your spouse? What is missing in these relationships, is it possible to fix it, to carry out a “overhaul” of the relationship or not?

What are the strengths, advantages, prospects for a relationship with your lover?

Calculate what “bonuses”, gains and losses you should expect from each option. Conduct a diagnosis of your own feelings, aspirations, and motives. What keeps you close to your spouse? What is missing in these relationships, is it possible to fix it, to carry out a “overhaul” of the relationship or not? What are the strengths, advantages, prospects for a relationship with your lover?

Here, as with illness, the sooner the patient is examined and measures are promptly taken, the easier the consequences. You bear responsibility for the decision you make and your life, so you should not rely on the advice of friends, acquaintances, or strangers, trying to share your difficult burden with them or shift responsibility to the women you love.

A new passion attracts a man with its mystery, brightness, and anticipation of rich prospects for the development of relationships. But over time, the “beautiful image” loses its former attractiveness, you just need to change your dream status by becoming a permanent partner. Illusions disappear, revealing nature and true character. As you know, passion passes, but the person remains. Real, with his own weaknesses, complexes, habits and aspirations. Are you ready to put up with them and seek compromises? Ask yourself: “How much did I love my lover?”

By saying “I love,” haven’t we become victims of an illusion created by a lack of attention, diversity, and interest? Perhaps having an affair on the side is a way to escape from the problems of life with your wife? Mature feeling without self-deception? Having created a new family, won’t life in it take on a painful connotation and disappointment? Who is she really, beloved or mistress? Wasn’t declaring your love to your mistress an impulsive action, a reaction to an unfavorable emotional background in the family?

How to deal with feelings?

Model and calculate possible scenarios. Even the most experienced and intelligent psychologist is not able to deal with your feelings better than you. A deep analysis of the situation will help you understand your own feelings, identify weak points, contradictions, and mistakes made. If this is not done in time, the problems only increase, become more complicated, and drive us into a dead end, into a depressive state. Without making the right conclusions, we repeat the mistakes in the new family, become disappointed, and consider ourselves complete failures on the love front. Don’t think that it’s possible to “endure” the situation. Problems need to be solved, not avoided. Instead of the destructive thought “how to fall out of love,” you need to decide how to restore peace of mind. What would be the best solution for you personally?

Modern people, when getting married, sign a marriage contract. Creating a new family should be approached from a rational perspective, and not solely under the influence of feelings, emotions, and passion. It would not be superfluous to discuss such guarantees at the beginning of a romantic relationship, the so-called “candy-bouquet” period, no matter how many disagreements, misunderstandings, and conflicts could be avoided.

Sometimes the state of falling in love is necessary to overcome a psychological crisis, the desire for self-knowledge, and increased self-esteem. But, having resolved one personal problem, we create another.

In this case, having reunited and “finalized” the couple’s family relationship, the need for an outside connection disappears by itself. Sometimes, on the contrary, a new family fills life with bright colors. If the relationship with your wife is more like a habit, good neighborliness, a “good option” for solving household chores, but true love, affection, charm, and the desire to create a joint project called a “happy family” are gone irrevocably, you should decide on drastic changes. Remember the words of the classic of Russian literature Sergei Yesenin:

He who loved cannot love,
You can't set fire to someone who's burned out. — Sergey Yesenin

In any case, the decision made must be firm and final. I turned the page of the book and started on a new sheet. No hesitation, constant comparison of who is better, a loved one or a mistress, no doubts.

They say there are no bad decisions. Each person strives to choose the best option for himself in specific conditions, in a certain time period. To make a decision, it is advisable to take a time out, live separately, and understand yourself. Do not do hasty, impulsive actions, jerks, or rash actions. You need time and a rational, objective assessment of the situation.

I am 31 years old, currently married for almost 9 years, and have one son, 7 years old. A real marriage, what is for her, what is second to me. From her first marriage she has a 10-year-old son, and I have a 10-year-old daughter. The current wife is from another city. We live in a rented apartment. At the beginning of the marriage everything was fine, but over time I met another girl. We corresponded for a long time, and eventually we began an affair. This novel is almost 3 years old. We fell in love. Initially I thought it was just a passion, but now I realized that I love it. But I can’t leave my family. My wife is very good, not a single scandal in 8 years, she is an excellent housewife. My mistress told me every day that she couldn’t share me with her, and many times offered to separate or divorce. I told her that I couldn’t get a divorce because I felt sorry for my wife and children, and I would also feel sorry for my mother, who after my first divorce went on insulin and has diabetes. Then my mistress said that she would look for someone, to which I agreed, since I have no right to keep her. Now she has met a guy, according to her, they just communicate and correspond, but have not kissed. She tells me that she is ashamed to admit that she is doing this to spite me, and that she does not like the guy, but she wants to get married and have a family. Everything is complicated, in general, the fact is that I married a second time in order to have a family for my parents, they told me every time that I should get married. Yes, I’m a bastard and a brute, I’m tired of scolding myself, and I don’t know what to do.

Alibek, Kazakhstan, 31 years old

Family psychologist's answer:

Hello Alibek.

Well, if your parents just care about you being married, then they don’t really care who you’re married to. So if you divorce your current wife and marry your beloved, there should be no problems with them. If you want a family, please. Now about yourself. “I love her, but I can’t leave my family”... so what now? What do you want? Should I leave my family and marry her or should I leave her and stay in the family? The third option - to be with two at once - as I understand it, is no longer there. There are two left - love or comfort. Or what? Duty? Attachment? Is it also love? Why can't you leave your wife? What does it have that was not in the first (which you were able to part with) and what is not in the third (since you cannot leave for her)???? And what does she lack for you to love her? So far the situation looks like everyone is not good enough, but the second one is still the best... although it is missing something. In this case, I would advise you to either look for the fourth, which will contain what is important to you in the second and third, or try to understand your relationship with your current wife and feelings for her. Maybe something can be changed so as not to change? Since she is so important to you that even despite a three-year romance, you are not ready to leave her... Think...

Sincerely, Babievskaya Elena Kirillovna.

06 Mar 2017

ChristinaTina

The husband never broke up with his mistress. Not long ago I wrote about my situation in Kratse with my husband for 9 years, married for 8, and have a 7-year-old daughter.
So my husband took a 20-year-old mistress. I filed for divorce. He said that he loved me, that my daughter and I were dear to him, gave me a cross with a diamond, and said that he had ended that relationship.
This was a month ago. And today I found out that no, I haven’t stopped, they communicate, they meet. I decided to remain silent for now and pretend that I didn’t know, to observe. I need to finish driving school and for my child to finish 1st grade, and then I can leave.
What should I do? How to behave? Should I send his love texts to his lover (she doesn’t trust him and is afraid of betrayal)? Or wait for them to meet and catch them red-handed?

06 Mar 2017

Christina, since I have already discussed your topic, I have a question for you: do you intend to grow up?
You constantly ask what you should do and how to be, in this way you try to share responsibility for your life with psychologists.
Such an abundance of topics suggests that you are in a panic.
Do you realize that you continue to play the role of mother to your husband?
You don't act like a grown woman who knows exactly what she wants.

07 Mar 2017

ChristinaTina

I decided what I want. End this relationship. He continues to meet with his mistress, which means he doesn’t need me. I'm leaving.

07 Mar 2017

ChristinaTina

Yes, I voiced it, he started blaming me for everything, said that he wouldn’t let me into the apartment and so on.

I went to my friend's

09 Mar 2017

ChristinaTina

Olga, I'm a complete idiot. I forgave him and said that I could give him a chance. And then I saw that he was communicating with her, she wrote to him that she wanted to dot all the i’s. That her position as a mistress, such a mistress, when she has to hide, does not suit her. I’m sitting there, shaking all over, and violently. Yesterday he told me that he has no passion for me (we decided not to lie to each other). He said that he would think about why this was happening, and in the end he wrote to her “that he was wrong, that the situations that happened were terrible (I talked to both of them and caught her at our house, almost dragged her by the hair). That he decided not to lie to anyone and..." blah blah blah. I thought I could handle it, but no. I can't, I'm shaking, I'm becoming paranoid. I love him, but I understand that this is a neurotic relationship. I wrote to him, make a choice, that I cannot live in a lie and live in constant fear. But he didn't answer. I understand that a divorce is needed, but I’m afraid of it, I’m afraid of how I will be alone with my daughter, how she will be without her father (after all, she loves him madly). I don’t know what to do and I’m in despair.

I talk to her, she said that she doesn’t want to disturb us anymore. Since he lied to her, he said that everything was over between me and him, and that’s when I gave him a chance

I told him to decide. I took a week off and will be leaving soon. I decided to go to my parents. I'll leave them with my daughter, let him decide.

10 Mar 2017

Tell me, would you take seriously a person who constantly changes his decisions?
Then you divorce him, then you don’t divorce, then you divorce again, then you don’t divorce again.
Neither his decisions nor your decisions can be trusted
If you are not sure of your decision, then you should not voice it. Otherwise it looks like manipulation and does not lead to a stable result.
Do you respect yourself in this situation?
Do you feel like a woman in this situation?
I do not force you to make a decision that is not close to you. I encourage you to behave like a mature woman. And clearly understand what you want (if you don’t understand, then take a break to think about it). Keep your focus on this.
You behave like a little girl: I want it this way, now I want it that way. No stability or consistency
Let's decide on the purpose of our conversation. What result do you want from communicating with me?

10 Mar 2017

ChristinaTina

Olga Anatolyevna, first I will answer your questions. Do I respect myself? Yesterday I didn’t respect me yet, but I realized that I need to love and respect myself, otherwise no one will love and respect me. The fact that I forgave him, and caved in, and courted him - I did this because I love him, but in this way, in my opinion, I put myself in a disadvantageous position. He realized that I was not going anywhere.
Do I feel like a woman? It’s a very difficult question, since I don’t have sex, I almost don’t feel love and tenderness from him, it’s either there or not. Therefore, of course, it is difficult to feel complete. But again, I need to feel myself, I think this should help me get out of my neurotic state. That’s why I decided to leave in two weeks and think about everything.
Regarding the divorce, the application is in court, the trial is scheduled for May (end of May). If the situation does not change in any way, then we will be divorced.
What result do I want from communicating with you? Well, you are a psychologist and I certainly need some help from you. You probably need to understand yourself first, I know that you (psychologists) never say “Do this and do that,” but you know how to direct a person in the right direction.

10 Mar 2017

ChristinaTina

I want to be happy, first of all, I want the child to see a happy mother, I want to stop crying and shaking, I want to be loved.

10 Mar 2017

ChristinaTina

Fine! I'll do it today.

My happiness
Previously, when I was little, I thought that I would grow up, get married and definitely have three children. This is the dream of about 30% of girls of my generation. But then we grow and a lot changes. For example, now I clearly understand what my dream is and what I need to be happy.
First of all, a loving husband who will love me and support me, and I, of course, too, there’s no other way. I want my daughter to be happy, so that when everyone comes home from work we gather at the same table, eat and talk, so that we go on vacation together, and most importantly, that there are no lies in the family. If perhaps I hadn’t read my husband’s correspondence then, I wouldn’t worry so much now.
I want hugs, sex, conversations. And I got the impression that I was annoying him, what kind of sex are we talking about. I’m slim, beautiful, smart, I know how to cook, I love my husband and daughter, but for some reason I’m not happy. No return, no sincerity, no money forever. I’m practically supporting my family alone, and it’s getting hard for me.

13 Mar 2017

Why do husbands even have mistresses? How does it happen that quite wealthy men, who have a charming housewife-wife and beloved children waiting at home, go to great lengths and have affairs on the side and sometimes even leave such a seemingly ideal family? The husband does not leave his mistress because she suits him in all respects. They do not have a common life. The mistress is always well-groomed and beautiful, she is going on a date. A wife is a loved one, with whom, however, there have been many situations, both pleasant and not so pleasant. Every detail, every day matters. Relationships are all the episodes of life together taken together. If at some stage there is a failure, then problems in the family are likely.

Valeria, 45 years old: “My husband has a mistress, young, well-groomed, beautiful. Of course, I cannot be equal to her. But the worse thing is that the husband does not leave his mistress. He tells me that he broke off relations with her, but in reality everything continues, I see.”

If your husband doesn’t leave his mistress, don’t be upset. You should calm down and try to find out the reason for this situation. Husbands don't find mistresses that easily. There are a thousand explanations for this. Psychologists identify the following reasons for cheating:

• dissatisfaction with family relationships - quarrels, inconsistencies of character, poor financial situation, inability to find a common language with your children;
• the need for new sensations and extreme emotions;
• unwillingness to take responsibility for your family;
• open benefit or image enhancement due to an affair;
• congenital polygamy.

How to make a husband leave his mistress

Women who fight for their men to the end are ready to forgive betrayal and return their husbands. They use the most incredible tricks and cunning, go to fortune-tellers and sorcerers, read conspiracies at dawn, meet with their mistresses and get into trouble with them. In fact, a more subtle approach is needed here. How to force a husband to leave his mistress so that he forever loses the desire to “go left”?

The first and most effective way is to become a better mistress. Another woman appears for those men who lack something in the family. So we need to fill this void. To begin with, it would be good to find out what is so special about a mistress. Maybe she's a masterful cook, unforgettable in bed, or brilliant with her intellect? It is advisable, in order not to make a mistake, to immediately prepare the entire arsenal to fight your mistress. The husband should feel comfort and warmth at home; when he comes home from work, he wants to see a happy woman, smiling, beautifully dressed, well-groomed and in a romantic mood. It is best to read the works of modern psychologists. They talk in their books about how to bring newness to relationships, diversify your sex life, and make life less addictive and unpleasant. The question of how to force a husband to leave his mistress will lose relevance after the beloved sees that he has no reason to leave a family in which the wife is much better than his second girlfriend. Why ruin family ties because of someone who cooks much worse, looks worse and is not so smart? A woman can easily win back her man, she just has to want it.