The guy says he wants to be alone. If he said that he needed to be alone. What will happen to a man if he is not “released” into the cave?

The article appeared in response to a letter with a question from one of the site’s readers. I will quote the letter:

« I read your book with great joy: “How to make a man fall in love with you for life, or Never run after a man, let him run after you.” Of course, as I master the material, I put the acquired knowledge into practice. All the tips work just wonderfully.

The question just arises. When does a man need rest? How to determine that he needs rest? For how long and in what form? How can you avoid mistakes with your upbringing (meaning the upbringing of a man) and do everything right? I will be grateful to you if the answer appears on the page, even if only in a few phrases».

I would like to briefly remind you of what I wrote about in Chapter 7 “How to keep a man? Let him take a walk and get bored". I quote part of the chapter: “If a man and a woman are constantly, without rest, together and constantly communicating, then no matter what personal qualities the woman has, sooner or later the man will become bored with her.

Therefore, it is much simpler and more practical to make not 365 varieties of one wife for every day in order to maintain the man’s interest and keep him, but to make the man hungry and spend a lot of energy, and he would have an appetite.

How can you make a man hungry?

The answer is quite obvious, you need firstly, limit communication, let the man be alone.

Secondly, give or encourage the man to have a good run in the air so that he works up an appetite.

And now a little more detail on each point.

It is necessary to limit communication. Let the man be alone and, of course, let the woman herself be alone.

It seems to me that I have already said that one of the basic needs of a man is the need to be alone. This need is more or less common to every man. And not only for men. This need is clearly visible in children. And many women prefer loneliness to constant communication with people around them.

Let's get back to the men. A man wants to walk the streets alone, explore the space, so to speak, mark his territory. Or he wants to go to the bathhouse with friends, sit and chat. Or he wants to sit stupidly in front of the computer and do nothing. Or go fishing and so on.

Quite often I notice that women begin to get offended by men when they try to be alone. And even if they are not offended, they try to find “useful things to do” when the man, in the woman’s opinion, does nothing.

Arguments are given like this: “We haven’t gone to our relatives or to the theater together for a long time. It's the weekend, and you can't even be with your wife. You need to wash it, put it away, shake it out, etc.”

(Looking ahead, I’ll say that in our family we solved everyday issues like this: on Friday we do the cleaning, clean everything, wash it, shake it out, do the basic shopping, and the weekend is the weekend for us.)

Women, don't take a man's need to be alone personally. If a man wants to be alone, this does not mean that he no longer likes you. And this does not mean at all that he is offended by you, or that he is tired of you. (Although this may be the case, but we are talking about something else now)

If women understood the importance of loneliness for good relationships, then they themselves would kick their men outside at least a couple of times a week to be alone for 4 hours.

I will list some positive aspects of loneliness for the life of a man and a woman together:

- Loneliness is not a state in which a man becomes weaned from a woman. Loneliness is a state where a man, on the contrary, begins to miss a woman more. Of course, you need to understand everything in moderation. If you communicate once every 2 weeks, then such communication may not be enough to develop the relationship. Now we are talking about the period when you have already started living together.”

If a man is not allowed to be alone periodically, he becomes irritable.

If a man is not allowed to be alone, then they begin to get sick more often.

They say that if a man is not allowed to be alone periodically, he becomes irritable.

They say that if a man is not allowed to be alone, then they begin to get sick more often.

They say that if a man is not left alone periodically, he begins to avoid his beloved woman (lose interest in her) so much so that he may end up with divorce.

They say that if a man is not left alone, then he cannot process 90% of the problems within himself and begins to voice them to his woman (whining, essentially), after which she ceases to respect such a “hero” (the consequences are simple).

Unlike talk about Moscow chickens that give milk (I hope everyone knows this statement), all these statements are true. If you give the male psyche rest, then your value in the eyes of a man soars a couple of meters up.

I’ll just briefly repeat what rest is for a man, or more precisely, how it differs from rest for a woman.

First. According to my wife, her friends and my relatives, relaxation for a woman can consist of chatting with a friend, or with her husband (when her friend is not around). Three or four hours of such chatter is nothing, and the woman feels completely rested.

Sometimes girls think that they can relax in much the same way with their loved ones. That is, chat for 3-4 hours about this and that. But if a man has “rested” like this for several hours, then he often thinks that it would be better for him to load the heavy bags somewhere at this time. And if these were conversations not just about anything, but “women’s conversations,” then that’s all. It’s better to go on a business trip for a couple of weeks, where you need to work 12 hours a day, seven days a week.

That is, relaxation in chatting together is often not relaxation at all for a man. As family relationships develop, a man will be able to “chat” with his other half much more and get tired much less. But even then, he sometimes needs a good rest.

Third. What else? Surprisingly, even lying on the couch may not be a rest for a man. If a man lies on the sofa and every 5 minutes a woman interrupts him with some question, then even 2 hours of lying is not rest.

How picky men turn out to be, you might think. And that’s not true for him, and that’s not true. In fact, everything is simpler. Men aren't picky, they're just a little different. The simplest thing is to get used to and understand the peculiarities of male psychology and that’s it. After all, you’ve somehow gotten used to the fact that, for example, house flowers don’t like your wonderful cake. Give them soil, water and sunlight. You see how picky they are, they don’t want cake! And the car is also finicky. It turns out he doesn’t want cake either. You need gasoline, oil and all sorts of other nonsense that you can’t say right away.

In the example with the car and house flowers, does it even occur to you that they are picky and? accordingly, you are not indignant about this. So why do men seem picky to some women? Only because it seems to you that they are the same as you. But this is the deepest misconception.

In fact, men are different. They are not picky, they just want what they need. Give them what they need and you will be the happiest woman, or at least you will do half of it. Giving a man what he needs is usually very simple. You just need to know what it is and get used to it.

Let's say that every man has a need to be a highly loaded donkey, only to be given a carrot later. So let him be a donkey and don’t forget about the carrots. It's not as difficult as it seems. That is, load the man with some task, and then praise him, maybe more than once. Don’t forget to praise later when you give similar tasks.

Is it difficult to come up with a task? Is it difficult to praise? Do you praise the first time, but then find it difficult to praise again? (or you think that’s enough) Well, who said that it would be completely easy? Studying the psychology of men also means inventing requests for help, and then giving carrots for help. If you don’t learn, then don’t be surprised that the donkey went to another place, where they will put a saddle with a load on it, and then, after completing the task, they will give it a carrot.

Well, I went a little sideways. How do men relax? Usually it's just loneliness and silence. Maybe this is a little talking about business (his) and a little doing some routine male work, like going to a store where the choice of something is extremely simple (for example, buying groceries in a well-known store according to a well-known list). However, the main rest is solitude.

Loneliness, of course, is also necessary for women. However, not many are ready to admit such a need and set aside several hours a week to do nothing. That is, nothing at all. Don't watch TV, don't read something, don't do cleaning, etc. Make time for solitude and life together will become much easier.

So, how to determine the moment when it is better to leave a man alone to rest?

Firstly, start from a certain minimum that absolutely any person needs.

We will proceed from the assumption that every man needs several hours of solitude and relaxation at least once a week. Ask yourself, does your man have this minimum?

If there is, then good. If not, then it is very advisable to set aside some time in your joint life schedule when your partner (and at the same time you, if possible) will be alone and relax.

This sign is very simple. It's also very easy to do. It's a little harder to make it a habit.

However, if you manage to leave a man alone with himself at least once a week, then you will quarrel less often and make peace faster. After all, a man alone regains his strength and energy , and grievances dissolve. Not completely of course, but at least partially.

Don’t you dream of a strong and energetic man? And if this man is not offended or irritated, isn’t that great?

It would be too much of an exaggeration for me to say that if you give a man a lot of time to be alone, then such a man will become strong, energetic and not touchy. However, such a simple action can increase male strength (of the psyche, of course, not the body) by 10-20 percent, or even more. In my opinion, a very good result with a minimum of effort.

The general rule is this. Every person, and especially a man, needs to be alone from time to time.. Even if a man really doesn’t want to be alone, but comes to you with his communication, then this is just a bad habit, instilled by someone since childhood. This habit sometimes drowns out the real needs of the psyche.

But because they have been suppressed, they do not cease to exist, and if they are not satisfied (needs), then they always somehow still come out, only in some kind of wrong state.

That is, if your loved one doesn’t even seem to want loneliness and rest, then send him to this loneliness forcibly. The minimum is a few hours a week. Well - this is about 30 minutes every day and once a week for several hours. It’s very good – it’s an hour every day and once a week for several hours.

You can follow these standards. If you can’t stand it, then think about how to implement it.

I talk about the needs of men all the time, because... This article is in the “Psychology of Men” section on the “Sunny Hands” website. But this does not mean that a woman does not need loneliness. Here it is important to understand that if a man is not at home for some time, then a woman can often be alone (if there are children, then put the children to bed, send them to grandma, to kindergarten for a while, etc.).

Secondly, it is clear that the man is trying to avoid conversations and communication.

If we assume that rest for a man is largely silent, then an increased amount of silence and avoidance of conversations is a clear sign that a man needs to be alone.

You just need to learn to be a little more attentive. If a partner leaves communication, then you need to stop it. As a rule, repeating and asking for something when the partner has closed himself off from communication is pointless and only leads to mutual irritation. You will be annoyed that you are not being listened to, and your loved one will be annoyed that you do not want to understand that it is time to stop.

Of course, it’s not a fact that your partner is literally tired and wants to be alone. It is possible that he is running away from your female conversations (essentially a showdown in which he always remains wrong), but this is not the subject of this article.

In other words, if your partner does not come to you on his own, if he weakly responds to your request for communication, then it is better to leave him alone.

Thirdly, the amount of time for loneliness and rest usually increases with a busy work schedule, troubles at work and in your personal life, or some rapid changes in life.

It is clear that when a person works hard, when your partner has troubles at work or in his personal life, something changes dramatically in life, then it takes time to realize all this, to get used to the new state of affairs.

If this is the case in your loved one’s life, then give him more time for relaxation and solitude.

I'll try in other words to make it clearer. If your loved one has troubles at work, rapid changes in life, etc., this does not mean at all that he wants to discuss them with you. This only means that he needs to be alone and much more time than usual.

If you give him such an opportunity, sooner or later he will come running to you and bother you with his stories. But that's later. And first he needs to be silent and be alone.

This is, in principle, a fairly universal rule. If a child, for example, plays alone and doesn’t call anyone, the best way is not to interfere with him, but to let him play alone or just be alone. Nobody is going anywhere. Everyone will still come to the woman or mother.

I would like you not to get the impression that partners need to communicate little with each other. I’m not at all in favor of partners scattering to different rooms after work, or in general someone staying so late at work that they come after midnight and immediately go to bed, or when they come home from work, they watch TV and don’t communicate.

If this happens all the time, then some kind of alienation in the relationship almost inevitably arises. After a while there is nothing to talk about. After some time, indifference may arise and the question may periodically arise about what this person is doing here. Well, okay, the article, in general, is not about that. There is no need to jump from one extreme to another, this is actually a warning about this.

So, give your man (and yourself, of course) time to be alone. Don't try to talk to him when he needs to be silent. Following these simple rules will definitely lead to an improvement in your relationship.

On the other hand, there is no need to bring it to the point of absurdity. Of course, a man’s vacation is not a get-together with friends and girls without any special principles regarding the use of alcohol. And of course, when you need to do something urgently, there is no time for silence and rest.

Best regards, Rashid Kirranov.

Perhaps you once had the good fortune to be in an ideal relationship, which was all grace and a bed of roses, but unfortunately, a repetition of this is hardly possible, because we grow, change, and our needs and desires change with us. Given the complexity of relationships, it is much easier to fix the problems of an existing relationship than to try to build new ones.

Here are some helpful tips for when your friend needs some space and needs a break from you.

Keep a reasonable distance

Don't forget about your pride, and don't throw everything at his feet as soon as he wants to come back to you.

However, don't fool yourself - you still want to get back to it, and the best way to do this is through gaming. Either get closer or move away - this way you will be close at a reasonable distance, and he will spend time and effort to get you back, realizing during this that it is his loss, not yours.

Keep communication to a minimum

If you feel that your ex is still thinking about you, then keep a short connection with him - SMS messages, short calls to his cell phone and online communication will casually remind him of your place in his life and at the same time will not overload him your presence if he needs some space to think. Keep communication with a minimum

Spend time together

Accept your partner's position

If you take conceivable and unimaginable steps to return your relationship, and he does not show any reaction, then simply accept his position. Either he's just really not interested in you right now, or he just needs freedom and you should give it to him. However, seize the moment - if you notice an improvement in his attitude, then you should begin to slowly move towards awakening the relationship.

When your friend reappears after a break in the relationship, you can try to open your heart to him. Let him know that you feel it, but don't get carried away - if your ex shows you that he would like to restore the relationship, then it's great to be open. But if his signals, on the contrary, indicate disinterest in continuing the relationship, then it would be wiser to step back and let life flow according to its natural course.

Every person needs personal space from time to time to understand your own life. When your boyfriend or spouse needs space, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Rather, it indicates that he needs time to sort out his thoughts.

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Should we give each other personal space, which men need even more than women?

If you have read John Gray's book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", then you probably remember the term "man cave". A place where a man sometimes goes to recover, put his thoughts and feelings in order, and at the same time remember how much he loves his wife.

What is a "Man Cave" and why does a man need it?

It doesn't always look like a cave. Most often, this is some kind of hobby outside the home or just a place where he likes to be alone. We are, of course, not talking about brothels and casinos. Rather, this includes fishing with friends, his office and workplace, trips to conferences and events, and even a separate office in the house where no one has the right to enter.

When a man has a crisis - and crises of various sizes constantly come to us without knocking - it is important for a man to retire. And think alone.

What do we do most often? Let's be honest? We're trying to get him out of there. From the embrace of this cave of his. The motives may be different:

1. He feels bad! I have to help him!
2. What if he stops loving me there?
3. His friends are a bad influence on him.
4. I need to know what he thinks.

And so on. In practice, we are pursuing the man. Sometimes we just try to lure him out - very quietly and innocently. Sometimes we break in and cause a scandal. Sometimes we gather the public at the entrance to the cave so that everyone can tell him that he can’t do that.

There are three types of persecution:

1. Physical. For example: “You’re not going anywhere!” Or you can just follow him around, go fishing for him, make a “surprise” by flying to his conference, or set up a field kitchen at his work. Without his consent
2. Emotional. Since we ourselves cure negative emotions by talking, we try to feed our husband the same pill. "Talk to me! I see that you feel bad! What's happened? Do not be silent!". This not only does not calm the man down, but irritates him.
3. Moral. To become such an ideal wife that he would never even think about going somewhere without me. “Well, how can you, I do everything for you, and you! This is unfair! It is not right! I sacrificed everything for you and didn’t go to the concert. And you!!!"

Why don't we want to "let go" of a man alone?

Why is it so unbearable for us to see a loved one resting somewhere without us in some strange way? There are several reasons, some of them lie in our nature, and some in our childhood.

• For a woman, intimacy is very important. This is one of our basic needs. And when there is no intimacy, it becomes very difficult for us. The problem is that we decided that a close relationship is only possible with our husband. We don't build them with other people. More precisely, we do not pay enough attention to female friendship. But it is our friends who can give us so much intimacy that our mind will calm down for a long time.
• We are different. You and I solve problems by talking. And we believe that men are built the same way. Therefore, we try to help them, without considering that they are different.
• Often we simply don’t know what to do when he’s not around on the weekend. What about the ritual of watching a movie and going for a walk before bed? Who should I go for a walk with?
• Loneliness becomes terrible even when our father has already left us in childhood. The child does not understand that dad left mom, and not him. And all his life he repeats after his mother: “Dad abandoned us both.” And then it’s really scary - now he’s leaving, what if she’s the same one who stole my mom’s dad?
• If you have already been abandoned by other men, there have been infidelities and painful breakups, the topic of male distance will also become a problem.
• If you were ignored by your parents, then being temporarily ignored by your loved one will also bring you pain. Just like in childhood. When no one cares about you, what kind of love can there be?
• If you don’t have a hobby and an outlet to occupy yourself with, you will also suffer, but from not knowing what to do with yourself. Here it is important to remember that things are only interesting to those who are already interested in themselves.

H what will happen to the man if he is not “released” into the cave?

• He becomes passive. He lies there for a long time, and his enthusiasm for work decreases. Not only is he not ready to perform feats, he can’t even go for water. There's just no motivation. Why? Because the only motivation for men's actions is love for a woman (or God).
• He feels no love for his wife. Because male love has a cyclical nature. To understand how much he loves his wife, a man needs to miss her. And this is the best way to renew feelings. A woman has a different mechanism - we are always in contact with our feelings, so everything is quite stable with us. And a man needs to remember this. Again and again. At least once a month. To fly on wings, bored, and move mountains. Remember in what regime the knights of the past lived. A crusade - on the wings to the beloved with prey - then again a crusade to return to her again, exhausted from love.
• A man who is not released in time becomes irritable and angry. To regain control of himself, he needs to collect his thoughts and feelings, to collect himself into a heap. And he can only do this alone, in his cave. Sometimes his friends may be in this cave. But this is external. In fact, it is collective loneliness. Have you ever seen real fishermen? They will sit far apart from each other and remain silent all day. For a woman this seems like madness, but for men it seems like real relaxation.
• He may find uncivilized forms of care. Alcohol, drugs, computer games - this is the same retreat into a cave, only such withdrawal destroys a man’s personality and family relationships. But if he has no other option, the only option left is so as not to completely go crazy.

In a word, a man who is not released into the cave in time becomes not only “inconvenient”, but also destructive. He can break out of the blue on his wife or children. After this, a feeling of guilt will begin to gnaw at him, which will only increase the discomfort.

Why does a man want to be alone and what should a woman do?

Absence gives love a special taste. The joyful taste of a meeting when both miss you. And again we are ready to see the good in each other. Even if you separate for just one day, when your husband goes to work, in the evening you wait for him to return. Because we missed you.

It is necessary and important for a man to have personal space and personal time. But with the birth of children, we often forget about this. Because we need help. We become more dependent - and it is very scary to be left alone.

With the birth of children, all our childhood traumas become aggravated. All that we have not fully lived, we accepted and let go. When we are terrified of losing our partner, most likely we are afraid of losing our father (or our mother) in him.

When we begin to demand complete care and guardianship, it is as if we are trying to replace our parents with a spouse. And this can go on for a long time. It is the birth of a little person that triggers a chain reaction of our ancestral and childhood memories. When he reaches the age at which something difficult happened to us, it becomes difficult for us too. Therefore, usually our desire to be always together intensifies precisely after the birth of children. We are too vulnerable in this moment to be alone in this moment. But how much we lose!

Let's talk about what to do with ourselves? How can you not go crazy and pester him with calls? There are a lot of options:

1. Read your favorite book
2. Watch a movie - you can do it alone
3. Do some general cleaning
4. Chat with friends
5. You can invite a friend to visit for a couple of days
6. Go to a seminar or training
7. Go visit your parents
8. Go for a massage or to a beauty salon
9. Participate in a volunteer project
10. Pursue your hobby
11. Go to dancing or art classes
12. Arrange shopping and so on.

Indian girls were once prepared for family life by telling the following parable:

“In the life of every man, once a month there are special days when he must go to a cave. It is his sacred duty to fight the dragon in this cave. It is very dangerous and risky, but it is the duty of every man.
So when you get married, be prepared for this. Once a month, your husband will go into his cave stressed out and come back victorious.
Do not pursue him under any circumstances. Because even if you track him down and find this cave, and then try to go inside, this dragon will attack you and burn you with its flame.”

The story is metaphorical, because that same dragon is simply a manifestation of the worst qualities of a husband, which can splash out on the head of an unlucky wife.

Therefore, let's take care of each other and be understanding of our characteristics and needs. After letting your husband go into the cave, don’t forget to take care of yourself!

Many thanks to John Gray and Ruslan Narushevich for their knowledge about the nature of male distances!

Hello! Please help me with advice. I dated a guy for half a year. Before our relationship, he had been married for 6 years. Have no children. My wife and I were divorced on her initiative. He and I are from different cities. There are 700 km between us... Despite the distance, spend 3-5 days together every week. That is, a lot of time. We practically lived together. He has more in the city. From the very beginning of the relationship everything was fine. Lots of attention, flowers, paid for all my trips to see him. And it was basically an airplane. Or my car (gasoline). Introduced me to my friends and brother. I'm with his parents. He immediately said that he wanted children in the near future. He asked if I wanted it. I said what I want. In general, relationships developed rapidly and promised to develop into family relationships. But it was not there. At some point the guy was simply overwhelmed. He became gloomy and untalkative and very irritated. At first he said it was about work, but a little later it turned out that he was no longer sure and wanted me to move to live with a German woman completely. I'm in tears. He comforts and calms down. He said that he was not sure that everything would not end with us the same way as in his unsuccessful marriage. (Allegedly his wife cheated on him). But he is not sure that she cheated and nevertheless she filed for divorce. Strange. In general, a couple of weeks after that, more or less. But in the end I felt cold again. The absence of sex... or rather, its minimal presence. I started a conversation about whether he wanted to see the mench at his place... in general, we corresponded until the end. And I didn’t go to see him that time. In the end, when we finally met, he was gloomy... he said he didn’t want to torment me, we needed to break up. In shock, I went to pack my things... then he began to persuade me to take the keys with me... he said he needed me... but a bunch of cockroaches in his head told him that we couldn’t be together now. I left... in tears and with my nerves on edge (I even felt bad with him and he soldered me and pumped me out and kissed and hugged me and cried quietly... and asked for forgiveness...). In general, it's terrible. We agreed for the month that he would stay and think together with the cockroaches about how they should live. In the meantime, I found out that I was pregnant... I wrote this to him... he told me: now I don’t need this child. Don’t torture yourself or me or your child. Or have an abortion... I was completely shocked... I cried... I tried to reason with him. He doesn't care. Abortion, period. He said that he didn’t know who he loved, his boyfriend or his ex (with whom he had never seen or communicated since the day of the divorce because she had blocked all channels of communication for him). And that if I give birth, then of course he will love the child and help me. But I quote: we will settle. TV, I'm alone." I was in a trance... I cried for a week... in the end I got a stomach ache... ambulance... Miscarriage... in the early stages. I told him, like, be happy, let's go. He said - it's just a holiday... (((in general, in fact, we We talked a little after what happened. For about another week I was like a zombie. Fortunately, my friends supported me. The guy didn’t come. He just wrote and asked how he was. For three days in a row. I answered. Restrainedly, somewhere very angry, but I answered. I didn’t send him openly. And then I walked away. I realized that I couldn’t get him out of my head. Even because of the child... I can’t. He didn’t call me. I wrote: we broke up? He answered about two hours later, although he read it right away. “Yes, I think so...” I answered : You’re not speaking confidently. I need a clear answer." He writes, and yet we broke up... and I say, well, that’s great. He told me: We’ll see whether it’s fine or not. I answer: I didn’t want to break up until the very end, even though to which. He did not answer. And I wrote to Mlad.denb that I would come to pick up my things and return the keys. He said that he was on the road to Belarus. And he said that since he still had to go to the city for work, they would bring everything himself, but in two weeks. I said nothing. And I went to see him and he was gone. She arrived, packed everything, spent the night and left. She called him and told him that she was there. He came back the same evening I left him. I saw that things were missing... I called and said, forgive me, sun... I hurt you... call me when you get there... just be sure to call... that's basically how we parted. I wrote to him for the first couple of days now. A little. Nothing special. But one time she broke down. I asked him if he was better off with me or without me? He wrote: I want to be alone now... what can I say... I replied that I would delete his phone number so that there would be no temptation to write to him because there is no point in it anyway. He wrote - write, I don’t mind you writing. I answer: why do you need this? He writes: I didn’t say what was necessary, I said that I don’t mind. I break down and write: I don’t need this anymore either. He told me: good. I told him: I’m deleting you. He told me: your business. Ch emk: no, it’s none of my business. You've got it all figured out. You waited for the cord to grow into your skin and left with the words - I don’t like it, I think! Writes: it means don’t delete... that’s all for now. P.S. I can’t wrap my head around the fact that the person I knew and the one I’ve been communicating with her lately are the same person... and nevertheless, I still love him... but I don’t know if it’s worth it... I see that he doesn’t make a final decision points. Each answer has a “chance” of continuation... but “not now”... whether it’s worth the wait or not. Don't know. Thank you for reading...