My ex-husband is blaming me for the divorce. Divorce due to wife's infidelity: how to survive it if she cheated. How to get over a breakup when you have children

He leaves not for a better person, but for someone else © flickr.com

But most women, who “forever” closed the door behind their ex-lover, fall on the bed and turn their face to the wall in order to go into depression for many months... The situation gets worse if he left for a reason, but for another, leaving the phrase “From good wives don’t leave.”

This phrase opens a long epic of searching for flaws in oneself, unhappy and useless to anyone. Everything is sorted out piece by piece - from too strong ankles to the habit of lowering the toilet seat that always irritated him. Fat, sad, inept in the kitchen and in bed, stupid, unpromising in terms of career, bad mother... The list of killing labels goes on and on. But let's figure out whether there are enough reasons for such hopeless depression? What thoughts cause the most suffering?

“My shortcomings and vices are countless”

Nonsense. The first thing you need to categorically forbid yourself is delving into your shortcomings. Memories of burnt potatoes, refusal of sex, a protracted conversation with a friend, too expensive boots... You lived as best you could, as you saw fit. It was you, good or bad, but real. If you lived differently, it wouldn't be you.

It’s not difficult to blame yourself for all mortal sins and break all your bones, but will you be able to build a new personality from the ruins, more successful and happy? It’s unlikely... A broken personality can get up from a completely torn bed. But hysterics cannot change a person for the better. And who knows what is good and what is not so good?

"She's better than me"

This thought torments those whose husband left for another. Stupid thought. There are three main reasons for leaving for another:

- features of the male psyche. Almost all men are in the mood for a light spree on the side. But the need to get married again and again is experienced by the so-called hysteroids - men of the demonstrative type. Such types (actors, if not by profession, then by vocation) constantly experience an acute, irresistible need to demonstrate their merits. And the same “audience” is unacceptable for these purposes. That is why multiple marriages in a bohemian environment are common. Just a change of “hall”. Not bad for good, but one for the other.

If you have connected your life with an “actor” (about 15% of the total number of men) - alas, neither the ability to make mind-blowing salads nor a thorough knowledge of the Kama Sutra will save you from a change of scenery. Agree, there is no point in looking for flaws in yourself if he needs novelty and only novelty.

- "did not get along". The most banal, but nevertheless true statement. Most people get married in a state of love, when a priori there are no shortcomings in each other. But this period of drug intoxication quickly ends and often there is a person nearby whose character it is truly impossible to get along with. Not because one is very good and the other is incorrigibly bad. Simply - different, incompatible.

Life in all its manifestations is built according to the same laws. We do not blame cucumbers for the fact that they are incompatible with milk, but we are ready to send ourselves to the guillotine if our own habits, way of thinking and life do not coincide with the other. Accept the circumstances that scream the true truth: “They just didn’t get along!”

- middle age crisis. No man is immune from this. At the age of forty, each of them comes to a fatal thought: “Is this all?” This thought is like a fair wind, forcing an old sailor to raise his tattered sails. Such a “seaman”, perhaps, understands with his mind that his hands are no longer the same, and the anchors are rusty, but... They go out to sea...

And there is nothing to cry about here. Such men try to escape from their internal problems, from the realization that not everything in life has been successful. Changing the “tough for soap”, they run from themselves, as from their own shadow, from which, alas, they cannot escape... And there is no need to torment yourself with worries about your imperfection, tear it apart... Moreover, such “captains” are often they return, unable to withstand the salty spray...

“I couldn’t save my family”

This is another murderous thought that leads to neuralgia. This incredibly stupid attitude is carefully nurtured by society. They say that a woman builds and protects a family, and if the unit of society collapses, it’s her fault! My God, what nonsense! In addition, it is offensive to a man. Is he really furniture? A family is built by both spouses and if it collapses, it is the fault (or merit) of both. To be fair, it must be said that the postulate about the guilt of both also exists, but not in such an indisputable way.

Remember that feeling guilty for anything is the stupidest of emotions. There is zero constructiveness in it! Don't torment yourself, your energy deserves better use.

Conclusions:

The divorce is not your fault! Never.

Men leave not for the best, but for others, nobly making room for your happiness.

They leave, tormented by their own psychological problems. Your personal characteristics have absolutely nothing to do with it.

And the last thing:“The king is dead? Long live the king!" Everything that happens in life is for the better. And the sooner you turn to the world with a face that does not cry, but expects happiness, the sooner the world will smile at you, amazing and unique.

It’s stupid to do it if you look for who is to blame.
You need to skillfully solve various problems that may arise in the family. The main thing to remember is that no matter how the spouses suit each other, they still perceive the world differently, each of them had their own childhood and their own family. Therefore, after the wedding, some problems will inevitably arise.
How to resolve them?
When building a house, builders follow an architectural plan. They are required to follow the architect's instructions. The Bible gives God's instructions on how to have a happy family life. After all, He is the architect of the family. And if the spouses had complied, then this question of who is to blame would never have arisen in their lives. For a marriage to be happy, you need LOYALTY, COMMUNICATION, HONOR AND RESPECT. If you are still interested, these biblical principles are discussed below. I’ll just say, it’s been 14 years since we learned and are using these trailers, our tank is the happiest. We are now just enjoying living in the barque. Although it was forever because we have been married for 22 years.
If you have a Bible, you can check by opening the links.
1. Loyalty.
Jesus said, “What God has joined together, let no man put asunder” (Matthew 19:6). The Apostle Paul wrote: “Let marriage be honorable in all and the bed undefiled; But fornicators and adulterers God will judge” (Hebrews 13:4). Thus, married people should feel responsible to God and remain faithful to their spouses (Genesis 39:7-9).
Fidelity protects the marriage and brings honor to it. Faithful spouses know that if something happens, one will support the other (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12). How different they are from those who divorce after the first trouble! Such people immediately come to the conclusion that they “made a mistake in choosing a marriage partner”, “no longer love each other”, and the only way out is to find someone else. But this view prevents them from becoming emotionally mature people. On the contrary, unfaithful spouses transfer problems to their new chosen ones. If a person has a beautiful house, but suddenly discovers that the roof is leaky, he, of course, tries to patch it up. And does not immediately move to another house. Also, changing a marriage partner is far from a way to resolve family problems. If difficulties arise, do not think about how to end the marriage as soon as possible - try your best to save it. Such fidelity protects, protects and preserves marriage.
2. Communication. “Without advice, businesses will fail,” says one biblical proverb (Proverbs 15:22). However, communication is a weak point for some couples. Why? Because people have different communication needs. This often leads to understandable misunderstanding and frustration. This could be due to upbringing. For example, some grew up in an atmosphere of constant parental squabbles. Now they have grown up and are married themselves, but they do not know how to talk to their marriage partners gently and calmly. However, there are things you can do to ensure that your home is not a house of “discord” (Proverbs 17:1). The Bible emphasizes putting on the “new man” and leaves no room for irritation, shouting, and cursing (Ephesians 4:22-24, 31).
What can you do when disagreements arise?
When things get heated, it is best to follow the advice of Proverbs 17:14: “Leave a fight before it breaks out.” Yes, you can put the conversation aside until things calm down (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 7). In any case, try to be “quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger” (James 1:19). You should seek to resolve the situation, not win the argument (Genesis 13:8, 9). Try to choose words and expressions that will comfort both you and your spouse (Proverbs 12:18; 15:1, 4; 29:11). In addition, do not harbor irritation within yourself—seek God's help and humbly pray with your marriage partner (Ephesians 4:26, 27; 6:18).
The Bible proverb says: “The heart of a wise man makes his tongue wise and increases knowledge in his mouth” (Proverbs 16:23). In fact, the key to successful communication lies in the heart, not the mouth. How do you feel about your marriage partner? The Bible advises being “compassionate” (1 Peter 3:8). Are you ready for this when your marriage partner is very worried about something? If so, you will be able to find the right words (Isaiah 50:4).
3. Honor and respect.
Husbands are told to treat their wives “discreetly...as the weaker vessel, showing them honor” (1 Peter 3:7). Honoring your wife means valuing her. A husband who treats his wife "reasonably" is sensitive to her feelings, considers her strengths, respects her judgment, and respects her dignity. He should also seek to learn how God treats women and how He wants others to treat them.
Let's say you have a fragile vase at home that you value very much. Won't you handle it with extra care? Likewise, Peter used the expression “the weakest vessel”; this comparison should encourage the Christian to treat his wife with care and tenderness.
But what does the Bible advise wives?
Paul wrote, “A wife must respect her husband” (Ephesians 5:33, NKJV). Just as it is important for a wife to feel that her husband honors and loves her dearly, it is important for a husband to be respected. A respectful wife, for example, will not gossip about her husband's mistakes, whether he is a Christian or not. She will not belittle him by criticizing him privately or in public (1 Timothy 3:11; 5:13).
This does not mean that the wife cannot express her opinion. If something is bothering her, she can say it tactfully (Genesis 21:9-12). Giving your husband the right idea is like throwing him a ball. The wife can either throw it gently so that the husband can easily catch it, or throw it with all her might to hurt him. How much better it is if spouses avoid blaming each other and try to talk calmly and friendly! (Matthew 7:12; Colossians 4:6; 1 Peter 3:3, 4).
As we have seen, biblical principles are an invaluable aid in creating a happy family. But what if your spouse shows no interest in what the Bible says? However, a lot depends on whether you apply knowledge about God. Peter wrote, “You wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that those of them who do not obey the word may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives when they see your pure, God-fearing conduct” (1 Peter 3:1, 2). Of course, this also applies to husbands whose wives are indifferent to the Bible. No matter what your spouse does, let Bible principles influence you positively. As you can see, the Bible is an invaluable treasure of knowledge on literally every issue that concerns man.

And although my husband is magnificent, he is, of course, far from ideal.
And I have a lot of wonderful friends.
And two beloved daughters are growing up.

That is, I treat women very well, and I understand men’s shortcomings both with my brain and my heart.

And yet I sincerely believe that divorce is always the woman’s fault. And not just because he is most often the initiator. But because she is guilty of its deepest causes.

Let's start from the very beginning: As a rule, it is the woman who wants to get married immediately.

It is well known that for men marriage (namely, official marriage) is a very responsible and serious act, but for women this is not always the case.

Men traditionally hesitate and doubt, women are traditionally nervous and pushing.
Further: It is women who have an unshakable faith in their heads the fact that in a marriage someone certainly owes something to someone every minute.

That is, they put a stamp in the passport, and come on: the money from the paycheck is all mine, about friends and the bathhouse, get permission, you can’t go on a holiday alone, but I don’t want to go together, what kind of fishing, if I started cleaning, and so on.

No, I'm not arguing: spouses have joint responsibilities on raising children and arranging a family nest, as well as accompanying each other in times of misfortune and happiness, but this does not mean at all that every minute of married life belongs to the man to the woman. And vice versa.
Now: male infidelity.

I couldn’t forgive, I filed for divorce - as often happens. But, my dears, you are not ten years old not to know - men are polygamous, this happens to any of them, this is how nature intended, and 90% of them in a month will not even remember the name of that busty girl from the cafe.

And you get a divorce - oh, he betrayed me. Even a woman, when she cheats, doesn’t really betray anyone, much less a man.
One more thing: he drinks.

Well, here I will tell you this: knew who they were going for. And no one will convince me that before the wedding I didn’t drink, I didn’t drink, and then suddenly I broke the chain.

A drinker, like a person who does not drink, can be seen immediately: by the age of 20, when the teenage “off the chain” passes, the further relationship of a man with alcohol becomes clear.

It’s just that everyone who sincerely loves an alcoholic (among them there really are often amazingly wonderful people) thinks: well, I’ll save him, change him, he’ll stop being with me...

But he doesn’t stop (which is completely natural; alcoholism is treated poorly and only by specialists). And she, having lost patience, gets divorced.
And who is to blame? He, who did not deceive anyone, or she, who deceived herself, and him, and her relatives, and common sense in general.

Why am I saying all this? This is not at all meant to plunge women into righteous anger or into depression.

And for you to understand: we are the masters of our own destiny, and if there is a mistake in marriage, it is our mistake, not someone else’s. Only ours.

And since it is our own, it means that it is controlled by us. And only we can decide: to correct this error therapeutically, or immediately resort to surgery.

And only we are able to make or not make this mistake next time.

And not all men are bastards - and they are not bastards at all.
It's us - those little things.