Psychologists have named five reasons why cooling occurs between husband and wife. How can you understand what is happening to your wife? What's happening to the wife

In reality, people break up not because someone in a couple does not match their partner’s horoscope or says few compliments. As research by Paul Amato and Denise Previti shows, the reasons are usually completely different.

There have been a lot of articles in the “Self-Help” genre lately, but home-grown advisers and “specialists” sometimes advise us on what we should not do under any circumstances. Especially when it comes to family relationships.

In reality, people break up not because someone in a couple does not match their partner’s horoscope or says few compliments. As research by Paul Amato and Denise Previti shows, the reasons are usually quite different. 21.6% of marriages break up due to the infidelity of one of the partners, 19.2% - due to psychological incompatibility, 10.6% - due to the fact that one of the partners uses alcohol or drugs, 9.6% - because because partners move away from each other. Physical or psychological violence causes divorce in 5.8% and 4.3%, respectively.

Researcher John Gottman tells Psychology Today that the basis of everything is our habits. And there are at least five “toxic” habits that lead to the breakup of partners who once loved each other. These are the habits.

Regular accusations

This phenomenon in psychology is called “casual attribution”: this is when one of the partners associates any problems in the family with the personal characteristics of the other. “You never listen,” “You’re always too busy,” or “That’s just so typical of you.”

The work of Frank Finchman and Thomas Bradbury shows that most stable marriages fail because of such generalizations and personalizations. The habit of linking every problem with the partner’s character traits quickly leads to emotional detachment.

The first sign that this is inherent in your couple is the inability, for example, to act in a coordinated manner on the road. The driver-husband, for example, asks the passenger-wife to look at the map and tell him where to turn. At a certain moment, both realize that they are going in the wrong direction. The husband immediately begins to accuse his wife of being “so stupid that she can’t figure out the map,” and she furiously replies that the husband is an idiot himself, and she explained everything correctly. In general, a GPS navigator can undermine any relationship and very often becomes the cause of a quarrel.

Inability to talk

If a situation irritates one of the partners and he refuses to discuss it, this can become a big problem. First she asks him a question. He sulks and doesn't answer. She then raises her voice and he stands up and says, “I’m tired of your tantrums. I'm leaving". And leaves the room.

This pattern is quite common and its repetition can be a good predictor of marital dissatisfaction, depression, divorce, or even physical abuse. This is one of the most common models of behavior: the husband complains about the “eternal whining” of his wife, and she, in turn, feels that she has ceased to be interesting to her husband.

If the situation repeats itself frequently, the marriage will almost certainly fall apart.

No sharing of stories

Arthur Aron's famous research shows that telling stories from everyday life and asking questions is an important part of being committed to a relationship. If a husband and wife stop sharing stories about work or relationships with friends, the marriage is dead.

The worst thing is that this happens more and more often - electronic gadgets are to blame. The success of a marriage is when the parties show interest and care for each other. If you stop paying attention to what is happening in your spouse's life, your marriage is definitely in trouble.

Forgiveness is only in words

Verbal statements of forgiveness may not be true. Saying “I forgive you” often signals that no one has truly forgiven anyone, and any subsequent confrontation will bring that resentment to the surface. It seems to the offender that his partner does not know how to forgive at all, and to the “victim” it seems that his partner constantly does nothing but look for shortcomings. If one of the family members does not know how to forgive at all, the relationship will be difficult. Or they will fall apart, which is even more likely.

Incorrect distribution of responsibilities

A very common situation: the husband goes to work, and the wife takes care of household chores and children. The first seems to have a harder life, the second suffers from loneliness, poor self-esteem and constantly feels that she is very overloaded, but no one appreciates this. Both criticize each other for laziness and for not coping well with their responsibilities.

Strictly speaking, there is no problem in the wife doing a little freelance work and the husband washing the dishes after himself. But “patterns”, often adopted from parents, can destroy a marriage.

The age of onset of the crisis varies from 37 to 42 years - this is one of the most difficult periods in a man’s life. It is also sometimes called "forties fatal." How to survive a midlife crisis with minimal disruption? Advice from a psychologist - for men and their wives.

If the crisis of a man’s thirtieth birthday mainly affects his revaluation of his social role, concerns the choice of work path, self-determination in life, and at the same time his personal life suffers much less, then at forty this is a real disaster.

There are several reasons for this - and they are not comparable to the causes of an identity crisis.

Firstly, this is the age of summing up. If a man considers himself successful by the age of forty, that is, his social ambitions are satisfied, then he is a winner. And the winner requires a reward and a pedestal, and thunderous applause, and admiring glances. The man is a hero! His family is fine, everything is in its place. He fulfills the role of head of the family, in his opinion, perfectly. He has hobbies, his own circle of friends, and the external attributes of success. The world simply must admire his achievements. And who inhabits this world? Did his wife, who went with him all the way through his formation, see both his “broken nose” and despair? She has long stopped praising and admiring her husband, and treats his successes as something completely natural. Sometimes he will say: “You’re great! I should also have this...” - and will calmly continue the conversation about family needs. These are not the “copper pipes” that male pride craves, oh, not those!

Impotence for a man is the end of life, the curtain. Forever.

One day we were having a philosophical conversation with a middle-aged gentleman. We talked about the meanings of life and death. And he exclaimed: “Death! It’s natural and it awaits everyone! But it’s better to die before you realize that you can’t do it anymore! That’s what’s really scary!” He was sincere.

The man becomes withdrawn and irritated. He looks at himself in the mirror: it seems like nothing, not an old man. And in my head I hear: “Soon you will become old and weak. Hurry while there is gunpowder in the flasks.” And he's in a hurry...

Desperately rushes to restore health, sometimes causing harm to himself. This makes him even more scared. And if you consider that testosterone, the hormone of aggressiveness, splashes into the blood in large volumes during stress, then you can easily imagine the situation in the home of an aging man. No one seems to care enough. And the wife, as a rule, becomes the scapegoat.

At the age of forty, all suffering in a man is concentrated on his potency and intimate achievements. Self-identification suffers, because, as you and I already know, the phallus for him is a symbol of success and victory, well-being and masculine strength.

He is absolutely sure that his relationship with his wife has outlived its usefulness, his feelings have evaporated, and only duty remains. A sense of duty is what inspires a man the least in his forties. A sense of duty cannot make him happy, rather the opposite. Therefore, during a crisis, a man claims that his wife tortured him; it is she who does not give him the opportunity to breathe deeply and feel young. The marital bed grows cold. And the wife is “to blame” for this too.

A man feels that no one understands him, he is endlessly lonely, everyone needs something from him, but no one needs him. He can become sentimental, shed tears. The very fact of tears, self-pity and sentimentality become for a man a sign of intolerable misfortune. “If I cried, then life is really terrible.”

The following text can be printed out and attached with a magnet to the refrigerator, so as not to bother your spouse with “composing” the reasons for dissatisfaction and disappointment.

• You have become unsexy and uninteresting. Like a man in a skirt.
• There is nothing to talk about with you, you have no interests except household chores and your girlfriends.
• You no longer understand me, I am completely alone in my family.
• You don’t play sports, so you look blurry and flabby.
• You are only busy with your career and rags.
• You are treating me like a consumer.
• I need freedom, and you are constantly spying on me.
• I worked all my life, now I want to live for myself.
• There are a lot of problems at home, this is how you raised your children! I was busy with work, earning money. It’s unclear what you were doing.
• You always talk to me with metal in your voice.
• I'm an idiot for putting up with all this! I have one life!
• Don't pester me with stupid questions! You still won't understand what's wrong with me.

The changes that a man craves at the age of forty already concern the foundations of his well-established life. This is an escape from a prison where a witch rules the roost. And there are so many beautiful and kind fairies around! This is the breaking of everything familiar and established, this is the thirst for a “different life.” Truly different!

Middle age is when you can still do everything you did before, but you prefer not to do it.

The male crisis of forty years is a ten-magnitude earthquake. The man is going crazy. Everything is going wrong, the thirst for freedom is off the charts. Neither work nor usual hobbies can save you. Everything is devalued. All that matters is the last car of the departing train, which you can jump into while it is moving. And the man jumps!

Yes, it is at the age of forty that a man longs for a romantic relationship, “high feelings,” sincere acceptance of himself, without any pretensions or reservations. In this respect, he is like a teenager and thinks and feels just as anxious and vague.

At the age of forty, having become more sentimental and vulnerable, a man does not just have affairs to test his sexual viability. No! He falls in love! He needs understanding and unconditional acceptance. His soul requires inspiration, as in his youth. And this can only be given by a woman who is not like his wife.

There is another interesting point here. If a man’s testosterone level begins to decrease by the age of forty, and this is what makes him more sensitive and sentimental, then a woman, on the contrary, becomes more self-confident and stronger. And a man needs a soul mate, gentle and sensual. It is such a woman that becomes sexually attractive to him. And the man begins to feel that he will never return to his family. Who would voluntarily return to prison!

My husband’s crisis began at 43, now he is 44. We started building our house 4 years ago, my husband moved there, lives in it, builds and works not far from the house, but in a different city from his family (we have been married for 18 years, two children). A young friend (27 years old) appeared, helps with the construction, and is always nearby. My children and I only went on weekends. My husband became very distant from us, changed his hairstyle, began to dress more youthfully, like this friend, began to constantly spend time on the phone, began to take photographs, post photos on Instagram. And this summer, in response to my bewilderment, he generally said that he no longer loved me and would never have sex with me. If you want, get a divorce. The house was built for a family, but who needs it now? I feel that this friend is giving a lot of advice to my husband and escalating the situation. I don’t understand why? My husband has always been independent, but here he listens to some snotty boy. Is this a crisis? And he doesn't understand what he can go through? What should I do? And how long does this crisis usually last?

Try giving your husband something for potency, and you won’t have any problems. And he won’t leave for his mistress) That you are like small children. Are there not enough resources in this world? Buy a Detonator or blue tablet dispensers.

Total 27 messages .

More on the topic “Psychology of the crisis of 40 years in men”:

I don't know what to do. The situation is standard - the husband has a midlife crisis, depression, new love, money appeared again... The girl is 5 years younger than me... (29 versus my 34) We have two sons, 10 years old and 1.8 years old . She has 10 and 11 year olds (and she is not from Moscow, now they live together without her children)...

I was wondering how it manifests itself in some people and whether it manifests itself at all, or do they just like to talk about it? :) The young man didn’t talk to me for 2 days because of a very minor quarrel, today he came to make peace and justified himself by this crisis (It’s his birthday the other day). And I sit and think what it was :)

girls, I sometimes read similar topics, but never thought that this could happen to me. The situation is this - 10 years of marriage (in a couple of months it will be), we are over 30, a kindergarten child, outwardly just an ideal family, but, I don’t know how to explain, at the level of subconsciousness and some external manifestations, my husband’s attitude towards me began to change.

Girls who have experienced a midlife crisis in men, explain the best tactics for a wife’s behavior. The husband complains that we have no common interests, different values, and although he treats us well and politely, there is no love. Is it better to get into his soul and have conversations? Or go into your own life and hope that it will burn out?

My husband and I have been together for 15 years. I am 35, he is 40. We have a long-awaited 5-year-old child. We both work. The husband holds a high position and earns good money. Thanks to him, there are no financial difficulties in the family, the house is full, etc. We live in a country house, two cars, a nanny, a housekeeper. I don’t know if this is important... All these years we lived extremely well. Loved each other. The atmosphere in the family was healthy. They didn’t tear each other down, they didn’t argue, they didn’t cheat.

My husband is having a “mid-life crisis.” He is 36. He is terribly dissatisfied with his job and career, he thinks that everything is so-so, a C grade, although by the standards of our city his earnings are not that bad. He has complexes because of his old car, etc. There was an opportunity to change jobs - he didn’t even go: either “they won’t take him anyway,” then “they need young people there,” then “I’m ashamed.” He doesn’t communicate with friends and forbids me to do so, although he used to be a cheerful, open person, the life of any company. He's jealous of everyone, he's offended by everyone

Male menopause. Is there such a concept? Or should we call it a “midlife crisis”? I remember at the dawn of my foggy youth, one woman, by my standards at that time, not young (about 40 years old):)), taught me. that the female menopause is nonsense compared to the male one. It’s like a disease, and you just need to survive it, and not rush to get a divorce right away.

Even a desired pregnancy is always stressful for spouses (albeit with a plus sign), because it leads to strong changes in the life of the family. These changes begin with the woman, because from the first weeks of pregnancy she begins to feel differently. Innovations manifest themselves both on the physical and emotional levels: some feel sick during pregnancy, others constantly want to sleep, and others note a strong appetite. Women become very impressionable, vulnerable, suspicious.

Men see only external changes: the body has become rounder, a belly has appeared. What happens in the body and in the soul of the expectant mother - they can only guess. Sometimes husbands are simply lost and don’t know how to approach their pregnant wife. To prevent the relationship between husband and wife from deteriorating during such an important period, some tips on communicating with your wife will help men.

Try to understand and figure out what is happening with your spouse

It’s best to start with theory: read encyclopedias and pregnancy magazines with your wife to understand what processes are occurring in your wife’s body. Since a man cannot bear and give birth to a child himself, having experienced the whole gamut of sensations, it is important for him to be at least theoretically savvy in these matters. This will help you maintain conversations with your spouse (and during pregnancy they are almost all about the same thing), and understand what she is talking about after the next visit to the doctor. Such participation is greatly appreciated by expectant mothers, and the pregnancy becomes as if shared.

Help your wife around the house

Pregnancy is a big burden on the body, however, the expectant mother’s responsibilities, neither at work nor at home, do not decrease. Even if your spouse does not complain about feeling unwell, have no doubt that very often it will be healthier and more pleasant for her to lie down and rest than to wash the dishes or do the cleaning, especially at the end of the term, when some household chores are simply physically difficult to do. Take on some of the household chores without waiting for requests or reproaches: you can go to the grocery store, vacuum, take out the trash.

Be patient with your wife's wishes and requests

The likelihood of the situation in the joke where a pregnant wife sent her husband out to buy strawberries on a winter night in real life is very low. But every expectant mother has other requests and whims of varying degrees of absurdity. This is all due to changes in hormonal levels. Your wife may begin to feel sick of your perfume, which she herself once gave her. Strange preferences may appear in food: from “classic” pickles to something exotic. There may also be changes at the level of physical sensations: a woman may begin to be irritated by touching certain parts of the body. Treat this patiently and with understanding: remove what is not pleasant to your wife, and try to fulfill her requests.

By the way, requests may concern not only the elimination of irritating odors and the purchase of “sweets”. Pregnant women often need physical assistance: massage of the feet and lower back, help with putting on shoes (after all, with a big belly it is very uncomfortable to bend over). Such help from a husband is very touching and important: by helping, you make it clear that you understand your wife’s position and accept all the changes happening to her during this period.

In general, advice for a pregnant woman is simply fate that has been haunting her for all 9 months. Friends who gave birth, work colleagues, neighbors, relatives - everyone strives to give advice. No matter how much you, as a man, delve into the wisdom of pregnancy, you will not become an expert on this issue (unless you are a woman’s doctor, of course). But because you can advise your wife? What you read on the Internet or heard in your social circle? Believe me, your spouse is already provided with such advice. Instead of giving advice, figure out what point of view your wife holds on this or that issue (how to get rid of edema, how to give birth, how to feed) and simply support her in this opinion.

Protect your wife from negativity

Pregnant women are very sensitive, sentimental and suspicious. Any unpleasant word or even a hint of it can cause tears and strong feelings in the soul. The emotional state of the expectant mother is an important factor in the successful course of pregnancy, so it is better to protect the wife from any negativity (programs or news that feature cruelty, murder, etc.). It is especially important not to let information about the problems of pregnancy and childbirth enter the wife’s mind. Here it is important to find a balance between simply background information about some problems and outright “horror stories”. You can get background information in a book or encyclopedia for pregnant women, but it is better to block access to online forums where women talk colorfully about unsuccessful pregnancies or difficult childbirths.

It is worth protecting from negativity in communication. Some people were unpleasant to their spouse even before pregnancy, and with some people the relationship deteriorates during the process. The mental state of the expectant mother is much more important than routine politeness, so it is better to avoid meeting with unpleasant people, even if it is one of your relatives. For them, you can always come up with a legend about your wife’s poor health.

Don't let marital love fade away

While expecting a baby, the emphasis in family life shifts greatly. A husband and wife are preparing to become parents, and their marital feelings often fade into the background. This must be remembered by those who seek to strengthen their family through pregnancy and the birth of a child: the effect may be the opposite. In order for marital love not to fade away, it is necessary to support it, and during pregnancy this is the task of the husband. The fact is that a pregnant wife’s natural program turns on and she thinks, first of all, about the offspring. Do not forget to pay attention to your wife as a woman, and not just as the future mother of your child. Give compliments, do not forget about romance with flowers and candles. This is a huge contribution to your relationship, because pregnancy is only the beginning of a new stage in family life, and without a deep feeling of love for each other it is impossible to raise a child together.

Of course, not every man is familiar with serious changes during pregnancy. Some women even in this situation remain themselves, without whims, new preferences and strong emotions. However, a reverent and caring attitude towards his wife on the part of the husband certainly will not hurt in any case. Well, if your wife has been replaced somehow, these tips will help you fix your relationship and survive the pregnancy without quarrels and misunderstandings.

And finally, a little humor :)

The decision to divorce often comes suddenly. A calm family life turns into hell for both spouses, children and relatives. Those around them look at the couple in bewilderment, wondering what happened to their serene happiness. The reasons are usually unclear to both the ex-husband and wife. What is divorce from an esoteric point of view and how does it affect?

Interpretation of divorce in esotericism

From an esoteric point of view, a family is a system of communicating energy vessels. This is true for any group of people living together or in constant contact with each other, united by common ideas. The resulting set of energies is called an egregor. She has a directed will and is able to influence the feelings and thoughts of people. After the husband and wife begin to live together, the creation of a family egregor begins, which only gets stronger over the years.

Spouses divorce and move away, but a painful energetic connection remains between them for a long time. For this reason, some people experience the destruction of their family so hard and succumb to long-term depression. After a divorce, the family egregor is fueled by memories of past love and life together. Children make breaking such an emotional connection almost impossible.

It happens that in a family there is a energy vampirism . The donor spouse is wasting away before our eyes, while the other provokes quarrels and scandals in order to commit another redistribution of family energy in his favor. It often happens that the donor cannot withstand the load and takes his own life if he is not overcome by worsening chronic illnesses. In this case, divorce becomes an urgent necessity, because the usual techniques against energy vampires are reflected in other flows of the family egregor.

Marriage after divorce

What happens to the family egregor after a breakup? The initiator of the divorce is trying to destroy it, but the family is too strong an energy system to submit to the will of one person. Let's consider the main problems that divorce poses to former spouses according to the teachings of esotericism.